Why I havent blogged in a while...

It was 5 weeks ago today that I lost my baby. I was 11 weeks pregnant and I basically just went into labor and we lost our sweet baby. I had gone to th ER Sunday night due to bleeding and they did an ultrasound and everything looked great. My baby was fine and I was SOOOO VERY HAPPY. They told me to take it easy for a few days so the next day I stayed at my parents house with my sister and she helped me take care of the boys. I was still bleeding but it had slowed down a lot. Then that evening I began having awful cramps. They were contractions and it lasted for about an hour and then my water broke. And from there I had an awful pain that would not go away. I will spare you all the details but we finally made it to the ER. I had been in labor with Jr for a few hours and the pain I felt this night was so much worse with an outcome that was so heartbreaking for me. I finally got some morphine in me and the pain went away. They did an ultrasound and it was confirmed that we had lost the baby. This is by far the hardest thing I have ever had to endure in my whole life. I lost my sweet baby. I will never get to hold her, hear her cry, dress her up, play with her, see Jr and Colton be big brothers to her.
A lot of you are probably saying how do you know it was a daughter you had. Great question with a God story to go along with it. The Friday after I was having an awful day. I was begging God to give me my child back knowing full and well that that was not going to happen physically. So I prayed for him to show me if Matthew and I had a son or a daughter in Heaven with Him. Either way we were going to name our baby Bentley just spelled differantly for either. It would be Bentlee for a boy and Bentleigh for a girl. So the next day we were going to some friends house in the Dallas area. We were early so we drove past their house to go look at what all was up there that way. On the way back I noticed something out of the corner of my eye. It was a neighborhood sign that read " Bentleigh Station" and I was so happy. God was showing me that I had a daughter with him. I called my mom and told her and we cried together. Then I told her well maybe it was just chance. Well, I got an email from her later that told me about her devotion for that day. After I had talked to my mom she went and read her devotion. It read that all to often we think of things as chance and we dont take the time to have the faith and realize that God is all around us speaking to us in differant ways. So I truly believe that us being early and going out of the way and seeing that sign was Gods way of telling me that we have a daughter in heaven with him. Waiting on us! I also have a friend of mine who I told this story too and she was having a hard time believing that it was God showing me this. She said she went to bed that night just crying out to God to be real to her. The next morning she went and pulled out her devotion and the title was " Every Child Has A Name". WOW!!! thats all I have to say about that one! God is amazing in the ways he works!
After that happened it made this all a little easier for me! I am so happy that my child is in the arms of our creator. How amazing is that. She has a perfect little body in the arms of the one who made her beautiful! God is so good. Now, I am not going to lie, I miss her terribly and there is not a day that goes by that I dont think about her and what could have been. But I rest in the fact that I will see her soon and what an amazing time that will be!!! Going through this has truly made me see things in a differant light. I have 2 wonderful and healthy baby boys who I love so much. There are some people who cant even have a child and now I have just a taste of what that feels like. All of you are in my prayers daily for the child you will have one day. I know Gods timing is perfect and when he wants Matthew and I to have another child we will but that is up to Him and not us. Thank God for his plan because without it we would be a mess!
Thank you all for listening to me. It feels so good to get thing out. And this is my blog so I guess I can do that. HA! Hopefully I will get back into the blogging world now that things have settled down and Christmas and new years have passed.